relativity

Nancy Hegan

When I was very young I somehow became aware of Albert Einstein’s Theory of Relativity. No one in my extended family could explain it to me.

If the grownups found it confusing I was totally fascinated, so it became my passion to understand the theory of relativity when I grew up. And I do. Here, with due respect to Mr. Einstein, whose name is synonymous with Relativity, is my Theory of Relativity.

On a clear night, when I look at the sky, what do I see?  I can tell what phase the moon is in because I know how the other phases are shaped. If it’s the quarter moon I know it because I’ve seen the full moon. None of the phases of our beautiful moon would have a name if we had nothing with which to compare it. By the same token some stars are closer to us than others, so they appear bigger and brighter.

When I look in the mirror I do not see only my own face. In the glass with me are faces of every woman and girl I’ve ever seen in my life. One may have been prettier than I, another may have been younger. Perhaps my face has smoother skin and more slanted or prominent eyes than one of the faces I see in my mind’s eye. I view myself in comparison to every female character I’ve ever known or heard of. Sometimes I compare well, sometimes not.

There are days when I my hair appears too curly according to current commercial hair product advertisements, or too straight according to the same. Perhaps I’ve noticed, in a restaurant, a woman whose hairstyle I’ve coveted, darker or lighter than mine.                              

In some mirrors I can’t see the top of my head because I’m shorter that the average woman and mirrors in public buildings are placed for the majority view. I won’t even discuss the angle of my bosom.    

This is the way we see much of our world, relatively.  Things which should stand alone are compared to something or someone else. Fatter, richer, newer, cooler, better—such words pepper our conversations, define our feelings and opinions, direct our lives. People and ideals are not valued on merit but in relationship to other things.

 So we have the principle of E-R, the ending for comparison words, the words by which we judge ourselves, our children, our lives. I am not just myself, I am myself based on all other women who have ever existed, because comparisons are historical. How many of us could stand up to the image of  Joan of Arc or Helen of Troy? Would we want  to?

I have no martyr expectations. I guess having a war fought over me wouldn’t be a bad experience, though. No, on second thought we certainly don’t need another reason for war. 

Then why does it bother me to be fatter than the woman across the street who is a size 00 and wears only a pair of tiny shorts and strip of cloth when she works in her yard?

Does that shapely neighbor, who has a live-in lover who beats her periodically, look over at me and wistfully wish she could exchange her life with mine?  Does the woman with whom I often chat in the market check-out line wish she had a bigger diamond wedding band like the well-dressed woman in line ahead of us?                                                                                                                          

Men don’t escape from this principle, either.  They are bombarded by models to have flatter abs, fuller hair, more muscle. They are shamed into making more money, driving bigger vehicles, buying fancier houses.  Relativity is sexually indiscriminate. Can we avoid viewing ourselves in this manner?

Sadly, in this regard, we hit our children over their heads with two-sided clubs constantly testing them to see how they compare with each other. “Johnny, tuck your tail inside your trousers. We don’t want anyone to notice it!.” Simultaneously we exhort them to recognize diversity, “We don’t make fun of Susie just because she wears knitting needles in her ears. We should all try it first.”

Can we stand on our own, each of us an individual? Can we live our own lives by our own expectations instead of in comparison to others? Can we have uniformity and diversity at the same time?

I don’t know the answer. I do know that the E-R words and the words “more” and “less” should be stricken from our language. They make us all judge ourselves by others. They make us unappreciative of ourselves. Lack of self-esteem is a universal problem, not restricted to teen-agers. Relativity has gotten out of hand, but I have defined it and that’s the first step toward breaking its hold on me. Incidentally, where did you get that great dress? Goes perfectly with your coloring! Do you think they might have one in my size?  

March 26, 2009